Giving Up The Right To Be Right

Last summer, my family and I took a trip across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge to the Eastern Shore of Maryland. It had been many years since we laid eyes upon the farm where my grandparents lived while I was growing up.

My brother and I have such wonderful memories of playing in the corn and soybean fields, as well as the wonderful meals my grandmother prepared in her farm kitchen. As children, we spent every Thanksgiving around her table and loved to visit each summer.

The farm was sold 30 years ago, after my grandfather died, and we don’t know the people who live there now. We drove by the house and noticed how much it has changed, but we didn’t go up to the door.

We decided to stop by the side of the road and take a few pictures.

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The farm across the street, which used to be owned by a distant cousin, had also been sold. We wanted to drive up the lane to look at the early 1800-era family cemetery located on the farm, but there were ‘no trespassing’ signs all over the place warning us away. We thought we had better not ignore those signs!

Instead, we visited the public cemetery where my grandparents and great-grandparents are buried; we then drove through the little town of Goldsboro, past the church and other places that were part of our childhood. Once we had done all that, we had nothing else to do.

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About midway through the day, I realized that we had no one to visit.

There were no cousins or relatives to reminisce or catch up with. It hit me in kind of a strange way. My grandparents are both in heaven. My mother, their only child, has gone there, too.

Mom’s cousins and relatives may still live in the area, but I don’t know them. In fact, I’ve never even met them. I don’t know them at all.

I know that sounds odd. The fact is, my family farmed that land since before the Revolutionary War. The farm was acquired as a land-grant from the King of England. That’s how far back my family goes – but I do not know any of our relatives — my own generation — who live in the area now.

There are ways that families are broken that, in the moment, seem justifiable. There are hurts and disappointments that happen – and sometimes relationships are severed as a result. 

This was true in my family. The reason that I don’t know anyone on my mother’s side is that there was unforgiveness that went unresolved for decades. It was never made right and never gotten over.

Without going into a lot of detail, my grandfather ended his relationship with his two sisters — his only siblings — long before I was born. When this happened, my mother lost her two aunts and all of her cousins.

I only saw my great-aunts once. It was from a distance at a church supper. I was about six years old.

My mother pointed them out to me across the room and I remember thinking how much they looked like my grandfather. I also thought they looked like nice ladies, even though I figured they must’ve done something really bad if Granddaddy wasn’t speaking to them anymore. It was confusing to me, but I accepted it. I never saw them again.

My grandfather was a very good man, we loved him dearly and I do not plan on disparaging his memory in any way – but he was human. Something very hurtful happened to cause him to break off his relationship with both of his sisters.

I wonder why it was never resolved. Why didn’t they find their way back to each other?

The truth is, whether justified or not, my grandfather’s decision has affected our family for two generations. Right or wrong, it was a loss for the whole family. I didn’t fully realize it until we visited the farm.

Unforgiveness that is unresolved, never made right and never gotten over reaches far beyond the original offense.

To be clear, I am not speaking of a situation where something horrendous has happened. There are times when we must sever ties with people who have hurt us – even if they are family. Some people are not safe and there must be a break. Forgiveness, not necessarily reconciliation, is still the goal but, of course, it is a process. It can take a long time and we need God’s help to accomplish it.

This kind of deep, devastating hurt is not what I am writing about today.

I don’t know exactly what went on between my grandfather and his sisters. I do know that no one died, no one was physically hurt, and no one was unsafe. It was all a misunderstanding that snowballed and grew until it simply blew up.

Not always, but more often than not, unforgiveness is the result of pride, feeling justified and having to be right.

Many of us have trouble working through conflicts and problems.

When it gets hard, or we feel as though we might not win, we throw up our hands and say we are done. The other side feels the same. Lines are drawn and the relationship is broken. It remains unresolved because no one makes the first move or takes the first step. The stalemate can last a lifetime.

Here is a true and wise statement — I actually want to cross stitch it on a pillow, it’s that good. 🙂

“When in conflict with another person, the goal is not to be right – the goal is to be effective.”

Think about that for a moment. Isn’t that so true? What if we kept that in mind when navigating through any kind of problem-solving —  and not just in our family?

In my mind, ‘effective’ means that there is no winner – the issue gets resolved, the relationship is preserved and both parties are ok.

With this approach, we allow ourselves and the ones we are in conflict with the room to grow, learn and do better next time. Grace.

Scripture tells us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” – Romans 12:18

Since this is in the Word of God, we can’t pretend it isn’t there. Our response is our responsibility.

After my grandfather died, my grandmother lived another 15 years – she and I developed a close grown-up relationship. Many, many times she cautioned me about unforgiveness. She had deep regrets about the broken relationships within the family. In her generation, most women followed along with what her husband decided – even if she pleaded with him not to do it.

In her later years, she impressed upon me the importance of keeping the lines of communication open, to set boundaries if I must, but to forgive my loved ones.  She knew something that I am only now realizing – unforgiveness that is unresolved can break a family for generations.

Ephesians 4:32 says that we are to, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

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We are supposed to be different, those of us who follow Christ. We are to extend the olive branch, give up our ‘right to be right’ and, as far as it is up to us, live in harmony with everyone.

After all, how can we explain God’s free gift of forgiveness to those who do not know Him, if we are not extending it ourselves?

 Sending love to all,
laura

 

 

 

 

24 Comments

  1. Sue Donaldson on June 21, 2016 at 1:18 pm

    how very sad. the photos are so beautiful and a legacy broken. your grandmother was right and now you know why. lovely post. next to you this am.

    • LauraAdmin on June 21, 2016 at 1:50 pm

      Sue — thank you for leaving a comment. It is sad, isn’t it? How often do we just accept things in our families without questioning until we are older?

  2. Valerie Sisco on June 22, 2016 at 9:20 am

    Hi Laura,
    I just love your photos of your family’s homestead and the history you shared! Your words are so poignant as you mourn never getting to know your own family because of a past hurt and nursed grudge. What wisdom you share in this post to have us let those hurts go and embrace the connections that God has given us in our own families. Enjoyed visiting here with you today!

    • LauraAdmin on June 22, 2016 at 6:20 pm

      Valerie — Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I am grateful my story connected with you. xo

  3. Bethany on June 22, 2016 at 10:32 am

    What a story! You tell it so respectfully and eloquently. Thank you for sharing this convicting truth about unforgiveness today- I don’t think we always see it so clearly!

    • LauraAdmin on June 22, 2016 at 6:18 pm

      Bethany –thank you for saying that I told my family story respectfully. I am grateful you received it that way because it truly was my intent. I loved my grandfather and the situation with his sisters was most certainly complicated. Even so, it had long lasting results. Thank you for stopping by! xo

  4. Sarah Donegan on June 22, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    I can relate a bit to this. My Mom’s family was given a land grant in Tennessee, and I spent many summers there. Most of her family is still there. But I heard of fights going on and relationships cut off. It always made me sad, even as a kid.
    I am sorry you didn’t get to have all of your family, but I am glad you are learning from past mistakes!

    • LauraAdmin on June 22, 2016 at 6:14 pm

      Sarah –thank you for sharing your story with me. I truly appreciate it. I am thankful for my father’s side of the family, which is very large –I am also thinking about going back down to the farm to see if I can find any long lost family. There is always time for a clean slate! 🙂

  5. Vickie P on June 23, 2016 at 11:29 am

    It’s no accident you are my neighbor at Suzie’s today. God keeps working this theme in my life. Great words

    • LauraAdmin on June 23, 2016 at 11:38 am

      Vickie – I LOVE God! He is so good and faithful. So happy He spoke to you today. Thanks for letting me know — it is very encouraging. Many Blessings! xo

  6. ~ linda on June 23, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    Laura, this is a fine piece and one we each need to take seriously with our whole hearts. I do not have a circumstance that has been left unforgiven, but we had one a number of years ago. By the unconditional love of Christ, it has been made right. The relationship is not perfect, but it is good. I am the one that was left hurt, extremely hurt by a sister. Three years passed and we only had communication when she needed to know something about our mother, who was in my care. Over the years, I continued to love her and pray. God worked it out over those years to where we can talk and laugh and love on a surface level. But I am satisfied because she cannot say she is sorry and I have forgiven her. Thanks for letting me share.

    • LauraAdmin on June 23, 2016 at 12:23 pm

      oh, thank you Linda for the encouragement. Thanks also for sharing your story — God has blessed your obidience. You have shown that we do not need the other person’s cooperation or involvement to forgive them. God Bless you. xoxo

  7. MaryLou Caskey on June 25, 2016 at 9:41 am

    Laura, you have such a gifted way of telling a story and I loved getting to see the photos. Thank you!

    • LauraAdmin on June 26, 2016 at 11:11 am

      Thank you, Mary Lou –and thank you so much for sharing. xo

  8. Julie Hunt on June 26, 2016 at 9:02 am

    Laura- Thank you for bringing clarity to the harder subjects of life. I shared this on Facebook to encourage folks who are walking out painful places from the past.

    • LauraAdmin on June 26, 2016 at 11:12 am

      Julie — so very kind of you to share this on FB I appreciate it. I know the subject of “being real” is over-used these days, but I do try to be honest about what the Lord is teaching me. Thank you.

  9. Lori Schumaker on June 26, 2016 at 10:22 pm

    Hi Laura! What beautiful photos. The history behind those homes and that part of our country is so rich and beautiful. I am thankful for your grandmother and her work to break the cycle of unforgiveness of which she, not necessarily by choice, was stuck in the middle. I believe your story and your legacy will change the direction of your family and that is the power of God! Thank you so much for sharing this hope alongside me at Moments of Hope! I love your work and your heart for the hope we have in Jesus!
    Blessings and smiles,
    Lori

    • LauraAdmin on June 27, 2016 at 2:57 pm

      Lori-Thank you. Once again, I appreciate the encouraging and kind words. I am enjoying learnning more about you and the minsitry God has given you. Many Blessings. xo

  10. Dawn on June 29, 2016 at 10:56 pm

    Hi Laura!

    I am so glad you shared this story with me at the #GraceMomens Link Up last week. I love that you put one of my favorite words, GRACE, in the midst of your story. Right in the middle, reminding us of the power of grace-filled loving and living and how it can reclaim the broken pieces if we let it. Your grandmother sounds like a wise woman and I can see that the Lord redeemed the broken pieces, even if it was just the wisdom He passed on to you through her learned lessons.
    Blessings!
    Dawn

    • LauraAdmin on June 30, 2016 at 9:02 am

      Thanks for your kind words Dawn! You are right about my grandmother she was wise. In fact her name was your favorite word — GRACE — and I wrote about her in a post titled “One Wise Woman” –http://50.87.229.127/2015/10/one-wise-woman/ 🙂 Your encouragement means a great deal to me — many blessings! xo

  11. […] Giving Up the Right to Be Right “The truth is, whether justified or not, my grandfather’s decision has affected our family […]

    • LauraAdmin on July 1, 2016 at 10:33 am

      Lisa -Thank you so much for featuring this post on your website this week. Many Blessings! xo

  12. Dayle on July 2, 2016 at 2:43 pm

    Laura, this touched me in the deepest of places. I will link to it at some point on my blog. A powerful message for a broken world. I’ve written about the responsibility we have to each other, according to Scripture, to be peacemakers, to show mercy, to forgive. Thanks for this bittersweet reminder that we owe so much to future generations.

    • LauraAdmin on July 3, 2016 at 12:01 pm

      Dayle — thank you SO MUCH for your encouragement and for offering to link it on your blog. That means a great deal to me. This one was a little harder to write than others because it was an honest story of what has happened in my family. I write from my own experiences, as you do. I send it out hoping it resonates. You understand! I enjoyed reading your blog as well and I thank you for stopping by. Isn’t it amazing how God connects us all across the miles? xo

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